Normal, ordinary and the Window of Tolerance.

Life can feel like a relentless juggling act—work deadlines, family responsibilities, financial pressures—all pulling us in different directions. This constant balancing act sometimes pushes us to the brink of burnout¹. But what if we had a way to understand and manage these stressors before they overwhelmed us? Enter the “Window of Tolerance” a powerful framework that helps us recognise when we’re thriving, struggling, or shutting down. This post will explore how this concept can transform how you handle stress, build resilience, and find calm amidst the chaos.

What is normal?

Psychologists often define ‘normal’ using several frameworks including³:

• Behaviours, traits or characteristics that align statistically with a majority of a population. Cultural social norms influence what is considered acceptable, typical or abnormal.

• An individual’s ability to adapt to everyday life allowing independence, maintaining relationships and meeting societal expectations.

• An individual’s subjective experience of well-being is often tied to an absence of significant distress or dysfunction.

• Use of diagnostic frameworks assessing mental health paradigms which distinguish between normal variations in behaviour and mental health disorders.

• Societal norms shift with time, psychological research advances, and evolving cultural values reflect broader societal progress.

What stands out from these frameworks is that context matters. Mixing statistics, societal and cultural norms, self-assessment, diagnostic assessment and a good dollop of subjective experience means we can all react differently to stimuli. For instance, the administrator for a small printing firm may find it abnormal to discover the office having been broken into overnight and would likely have a different reaction to the owner of the business; one might have to tidy up the mess and feel uncomfortable in a space usually seen as safe, whereas the other might have to fork out for repairs or losses sparking anger or fear. The police, however, rarely, if at all, receive calls because someone’s having a good day. So, a report of a business burglary could be seen as ordinary, albeit unacceptable, from their point of view.

Understanding ordinary.

What is normal to a layperson often comes down to a subjective binary choice. There is a line in the sand; on one side, there is ‘normal’, and on the other, there is ‘abnormal’.

Yes, context influences one’s perception of where an occurrence sits, on one side or the other. Still, we do tend to pigeonhole the occurrences we experience so that we can process them and use our resources to manage our reactions to them.

Consider for a moment what normal looks like for you in day-to-day life, and how would you explain to another what normal means?

Why mark out the difference between what is normal and what is ordinary? Well, ordinary refers to qualities or occurrences that are unremarkable, routine, or expected⁴.

So, applying that definition to contexts, seeking social interactions can be seen as ‘normal’ for psychological well-being, whereas attending a weekly club such as a book club or a peer support talking group might be seen as ‘ordinary’. Exposure to stimuli allows us to build experiential memories of what worked and what didn’t when emotional states are piqued. Therefore, ordinary differs from normal as it has multiple lines in the sand that are moveable depending on personal experiences. Anything within the confines of our experiential lines could be described as ordinary for us.

Again, take a moment to consider what is a daily occurrence for you that, if experienced by others, would seem out of the ordinary and potentially abnormal. How would yours and their reaction to that occurrence differ?

Let’s consider that police officer again so we can discuss extremes. An ordinary day for them might consist of attending to duty, attending several ‘everyday’ incidents, and not raising any stress level. Other days might be filled with incidents that present heightened risk to themselves or the public, from serious road collisions to serious assaults, arresting violent suspects, or even dealing with sudden or suspicious deaths. So, albeit their days can be variable, there is a likelihood of exposure to extremes taking them out of their experience of the ordinary, increasing their stress level and reducing their ability to manage it.

The Window of Tolerance.

This is where Dr Dan Siegel’s original work from 1999 on the Window of Tolerance² (WOT) comes into play, which others have built upon since. His work discusses how when we are within our WOT, we can think clearly, stay calm, and maintain emotional balance whilst processing and responding to stimuli without feeling overwhelmed. That balance can be thwarted if we become emotionally reactive through experiencing heightened anxiety, which could show as racing thoughts, hypervigilance, anger, irritability or panic, all or in some part a display of the fight or flight response, all termed as hyperarousal⁵. The flip side is the hypoarousal state, where feelings of apathy, depression or numbness can lead to a state of disconnection or shutdown, which could show as dissociation, fatigue, immobility, or lack of emotional engagement⁵. Moving into any of these states runs the risk of causing stress and trauma, especially if exposed to repeated or prolonged instances, which can make it harder to stay in that optimal WOT and, in effect, make our windows much smaller.

Expanding your window.

The good news is that our WOT can be strengthened first by understanding our emotional intelligence⁷. If we know what our emotions look like and how they manifest, we are more likely to spot them and learn how to manage them when they occur. e-Factor⁸ is an excellent tool for helping you on your journey to understanding your abilities in this regard from either a personal or leadership perspective. Self-regulation is a skill that can be developed through practices such as mindfulness⁹ and self-care. Many options exist, from mobile apps to peer support groups to online and in-person talking therapies. The important thing is taking the first steps to get to know ourselves¹⁰, what makes us tick, and giving ourselves an honest appraisal.

Understanding your Window of Tolerance isn’t just about managing stress—it’s about thriving. Take the first step today by exploring your emotional triggers, practising mindfulness, or simply asking yourself: What makes me feel balanced? Remember, every small step contributes to expanding your resilience and well-being.

1. Burnout: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18FBV31Bs1M&t=3s
2. Window of tolerance: Siegel, D.J., 2020. The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are. Guilford Publications.
3. Normal definition frameworks:
   a. Comer, R. J. (2019). Abnormal Psychology. 10th ed. Worth Publishers.
   b. Sue, D. W., Sue, D., Sue, S., & Sue, D. M. (2021). Understanding Abnormal Behavior. 12th ed. Cengage Learning.
   c. Rosenberg, M. (2015). Society and the Adolescent Self-Image. Princeton University Press.
   d. Jahoda, M. (1958). Current Concepts of Positive Mental Health. Basic Books.
   e. American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.
   f. Goffman, E. (1963). Stigma: Notes on the Management of Spoiled Identity. Prentice-Hall.
   g. Foucault, M. (1988). Madness and Civilization: A History of Insanity in the Age of Reason. Vintage Books.
4. Ordinary definition reading:
   a. Jenkins, R. (2013). Tales of the Unexpected: Doing Everyday Life, Doing Fieldwork, Doing Anthropology and Sociology. Anthropologica.
   b. Alexander, N. (2013). Profoundly Ordinary: Jon McGregor and Everyday Life. Contemporary Literature.
   c. Holmes, R., Jones, L., & Osgood, J. (2020). Mundane Habits, Ordinary Affects, and Methodological Creations. In Research Handbook on Childhoodnature.
   d. Neal, S., & Murji, K. (2015). Sociologies of Everyday Life: Editors’ Introduction to the Special Issue. Sociology.
   e. Barker, A., & Crawford, A. (2019). Everyday Encounters with Difference in Urban Parks: Forging ‘Openness to Otherness’ in Segmenting Cities. International Journal of Law in Context.
5. Stanley, E.A. (2019). Widen the Window: Training Your Brain and Body to Thrive During Stress and Recover from Trauma. New York: Penguin Random House.
6. Larsen, K.L., & Stanley, E.A. (2021). Leaders’ windows of tolerance for affect arousal—and their effects on political decision-making during COVID-19. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, Article 749715.
7. Emotional intelligence: https://www.eiagroup.com/resources/emotional-intelligence/
8. E-Factor: https://www.eiagroup.com/resources/emotional-intelligence/
9. Mindfulness: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-1Y6IbAxdM
10. How to know yourself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lTbWQ8zD3w